yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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