How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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