I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize