i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
