i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
