I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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