Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
