Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
