i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
