I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
