i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
