She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
