I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
