Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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