Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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