That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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