Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
