Little spoons don't ask big questions
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I don't deserve a penis
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
