Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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