I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
