I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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