someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
