I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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