While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
