Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
