don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
