I am puke
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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