P.S. I can't hear my feet
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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