They should really pass out barf bags in church
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
