where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
