we have officially lost it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize