Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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