Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
