They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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