Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
