Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
