You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
