woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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