It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
