I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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