Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
