we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
