Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
