Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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