Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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