Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
