Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
being pregnant is like rehab
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
