I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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