I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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