I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
