i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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