I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
