You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
